Small joys

I have to admit that I arrived home this afternoon mentally weary. When I get like that I tend to hermatize. I don't generally like being around people. I have always had to fend for myself to get through life until the last 8 years or so, so it is no wonder that I default back to old ways sometimes. The last year or so I have been trying different things to replace that long worn out habit.

So this afternoon I got home, helped my son cook dinner. I stayed quiet, indicating to the kids that mommy was having a weary kind of day, and I stilled my brain. Those that know me, know that I have many pets. My favorite by far are my birds. I used to have 4, 2 have died. I am now left with my sun conure (Sophie) and my love bird (chester). They are both awesome birds. They both remind me of just how awesome our God is. Have you every thought much about birds? Did you know that their bones are hollow? Do you realize that raised in captivity how much they depend on their humans? My sun conure (Sophie) is beautiful. It is as if God handpainted her.

So I sit with her tonight, listening to some soothing praise music with Sophie tucked into bed in my sweatshirt.  Now before you ask, she does not stay there all night, but as long as I will let her. The music soothes my soul, and having Sophie near reminds me that God created all, that He loves all, and He is the strength on which I depend so much. Just as Sophie depends on me for comfort and safety, I depend on Him. I rely on my father God to rejuvenate my spirit and re-energize my step. I pray that for all that need that today.

I am ending my day tired, but peaceful. Our pastor asked us tonight if we were ready for what is to come. Those reading this will know exactly what I am talking about. I can say honestly, Bring it on! I am ready for any work for the glory of He who sustains me. I have not lived through all of the darkness to give up in the light. I am ready for all that is to come because I know where my strength comes from.

Getting Older and better

I finished my school shopping today and realized that this last year has been a blur. I was watching my youngest daughter (and youngest child for that matter) try on sneakers. I caught myself thinking about how much of a big girl she is now.  Then in a wave I was reminded that she is not my first. She is eleven and has three older siblings. What a strange year this has been. Our oldest daughter moved out, then moved back in under stressful circumstances, our #2 daughter graduated from high school and recieved her appointment to the USAF Academy and is now residing in Colorado. Our #3(a son) is going into 7th grade and is in desperate need of a haircut. And our youngest (the previously mentioned 11 year old) is going into 6th grade this year.

It all seems so sureal to me. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to end my life. Oh I wasn't out right with it, but I sure did enough that could have very well killed me. I never in a million years thought that I would live this long. The power of God's grace and mercy......I am thankful every day. I am thankful that God loved me so much to see me through even when I refused to admit that He was there. As little as 15 years ago I was convinced that I would kill myself. I was trying in my own way. I had two children then and the pain was to much for me. I gave up on myself, but He didn't.

Here I sit tonight, feeling like my life is all that I have ever wanted, and, for a long time, felt illuded me. I have everything that I have today because of God's grace. I sure did nothing to deserve this life that I have fallen into. I am happy, I am loved, I am a wife and a mother, but most importantly I am a child of God. Loved and cherished for all that I am, and all that I am not. I am blessed beyond measure. I love my life, the good and the bad; the easy and the hard. I absolutely love the fact that even when I feel alone, I know that I am not. I am understood, I am cherished.

Once upon a time I was very lost. Lost in a world of despair that I did not believe that I could ever emerge from. A sea of bad choices and sins beyond reason.  For the last 8 years or so I have been on a slow journey to let myself be found. I have walked a path that has required me to drop my self condemnation, and pick up the love of Jesus. Today I walk proudly as a child of God. Sure I trip from time to time, but the one thing that I have learned the hard way is if you let Him he is there to help you dust off and try again. I am letting Him more and more these days. When I take His hand I feel him smile.