Getting Older and better

I finished my school shopping today and realized that this last year has been a blur. I was watching my youngest daughter (and youngest child for that matter) try on sneakers. I caught myself thinking about how much of a big girl she is now.  Then in a wave I was reminded that she is not my first. She is eleven and has three older siblings. What a strange year this has been. Our oldest daughter moved out, then moved back in under stressful circumstances, our #2 daughter graduated from high school and recieved her appointment to the USAF Academy and is now residing in Colorado. Our #3(a son) is going into 7th grade and is in desperate need of a haircut. And our youngest (the previously mentioned 11 year old) is going into 6th grade this year.

It all seems so sureal to me. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to end my life. Oh I wasn't out right with it, but I sure did enough that could have very well killed me. I never in a million years thought that I would live this long. The power of God's grace and mercy......I am thankful every day. I am thankful that God loved me so much to see me through even when I refused to admit that He was there. As little as 15 years ago I was convinced that I would kill myself. I was trying in my own way. I had two children then and the pain was to much for me. I gave up on myself, but He didn't.

Here I sit tonight, feeling like my life is all that I have ever wanted, and, for a long time, felt illuded me. I have everything that I have today because of God's grace. I sure did nothing to deserve this life that I have fallen into. I am happy, I am loved, I am a wife and a mother, but most importantly I am a child of God. Loved and cherished for all that I am, and all that I am not. I am blessed beyond measure. I love my life, the good and the bad; the easy and the hard. I absolutely love the fact that even when I feel alone, I know that I am not. I am understood, I am cherished.

Once upon a time I was very lost. Lost in a world of despair that I did not believe that I could ever emerge from. A sea of bad choices and sins beyond reason.  For the last 8 years or so I have been on a slow journey to let myself be found. I have walked a path that has required me to drop my self condemnation, and pick up the love of Jesus. Today I walk proudly as a child of God. Sure I trip from time to time, but the one thing that I have learned the hard way is if you let Him he is there to help you dust off and try again. I am letting Him more and more these days. When I take His hand I feel him smile.