Thinking

Here I am again in the midst of teenage angst. This is our third child to go thru this phase and I am looking at one more that will yet go thru it. I am drained, I am angry, but most of all I am tired. I just finished a book that a friend gave me to read that is a fictional retelling of the book of Hosea in the bible. The theme of the book....redeeming love. God's timing is always good timing. I woke this morning totally drained from a rough night with our son.....I will be honest, I woke bracing for the day. Even with the sunrise I could not force myself to wake joyous for another day. I was not joyous, I was anything but.

These difficult times rarely ever conclude that eveing and most, if not all, will carry themselves well into the next day or days to come. I woke (waking is relative when you don't sleep much) to cry and I looked at the book I was reading about redeeming love....I decided to pick it up and finish it. I did. I cannot say that finishing the book filled me for the day. I am still drained, I am still tired, I looked forward to my kids leaving for school today because I don't have the energy this morning to deal with the onslaught of teenage hormones.

Now it is just me and God here. He will fill me I have faith in that. He will give me what I need to fulfill His purposes. I do believe that even if today that seems so far from where my head is at. It is time to get my head back in it. To remember to love, no matter what. To remember that God has loved me no matter what. To remember that my pain will be used for a greater purpose.

Lord as I clean my house today help me to clean my heart. Help me to fill it with you....help me to be a ligth to my children as well as to those around me.

Strange Day

Well, It has been a wierd kind of day today. My Aunt died 14 years ago of luekemia. Her birthday is tomorrow. I celebrate her life, my mother grieves her death still. During my Aunt's illness her husband of, I think, 30 plus years left her. I have not heard from him since, so for around 15 years. To me he has always been Uncle Bob, not all of the stuff that is said about him. 

I was having a conversation with my Dad yesterday and told him that I would like to reconnect with him. Get to know him again. Reach out. Today I recieved a call that he had died of liver cancer today. I did not know that he was sick. It is a wierd feeling. I rolled through many emotions today. It started with complete shock, and has since migrated through many to sadness. A missed opportunity. Another one of my family taken by cancer.

Cancer has ravaged my family and continues to do so. A senseless disease with no rhyme or reason. It is not biased and strikes anyone, young, old, good, bad......cancer does not care. Cancer is not of God. However God makes good out of all things. I do not know if Uncle Bob is in heaven, I do know that I should have reached out. Good thought for tonight? You don't always have tomorrow, reach out and love today. One day at a time.

Still Amazed and in Awe

Here my family is, at the eve of another school year. Ashley is ready to become a Sophmore in College, Kaila is starting her first academic year at the USAF Academy, Kristopher is entering into 7th grade and the start of modified sports, and our youngest, Courtney, is starting 6th grade tomorrow. I m sitting here tonight watching the normal chores, a little mentally weary listening to the anxiety coming from each of them. As an adult I can tell them that there is nothing to worry about and that everything will be just fine. And that is true, although not real to them yet. As a mother I would love to wave a magic wand and take theirs fears and anxieties away.

As a Christ follower I know that I can do more than that. I pray for my children always. Many prayers go through my head any given day. All of the usuals for health and good decisions and the like. The biggest prayer that I have for my children is that they have it better than I did. I think that we are getting there. Don't misunderstand me, I would not go back in my life and change a thing. Everything that I have been through and done to myself has brought me to this point in my life of reflection. 

This is the best time of my life. I turned 40 this year. I have older children and with such comes a little more freedom. I got my first tattoo this year. Matt bought me a new car this year. It has been a good time. It has also been a huge time of growth for me. It has been a huge time for growth in my relationship with God. I can look back over all of my life, times when I was convinced that He was not there and did not care; and very clearly see that He was and He did. 

The hardest part of being a mom is watching your children fall and no longer be able to kiss their boo boos and make them better. The hurts and disappointments cut deeper now. My kisses do not help as much as they used to. On days like today when it seems that I cannot help my children feel safe and comforted, I am not helpless. I pray. I cannot even remember how I survived as long as I did without God in my life. But I can tell you that I would never go back there again. Not for all of the anti-aging in the world.

I am pretty good at remembering what I have been blessed with in the evenings when I reflect on the day. What I need to get better at is remember them throughout the day.

I have a wonderful husband, I have 4 beautiful special children, and have an awesome job with people I love and that love me. Because of that job I am involved in a huge building project enough to see just a glimpse of God's greatness. I feel like I belong, I feel confort. I know that when things get tuff (notice I say when not if)that I am surrounded by people who love me and will be there to support me. And I know that each one of them will remind me of where my hope is. 

Small joys

I have to admit that I arrived home this afternoon mentally weary. When I get like that I tend to hermatize. I don't generally like being around people. I have always had to fend for myself to get through life until the last 8 years or so, so it is no wonder that I default back to old ways sometimes. The last year or so I have been trying different things to replace that long worn out habit.

So this afternoon I got home, helped my son cook dinner. I stayed quiet, indicating to the kids that mommy was having a weary kind of day, and I stilled my brain. Those that know me, know that I have many pets. My favorite by far are my birds. I used to have 4, 2 have died. I am now left with my sun conure (Sophie) and my love bird (chester). They are both awesome birds. They both remind me of just how awesome our God is. Have you every thought much about birds? Did you know that their bones are hollow? Do you realize that raised in captivity how much they depend on their humans? My sun conure (Sophie) is beautiful. It is as if God handpainted her.

So I sit with her tonight, listening to some soothing praise music with Sophie tucked into bed in my sweatshirt.  Now before you ask, she does not stay there all night, but as long as I will let her. The music soothes my soul, and having Sophie near reminds me that God created all, that He loves all, and He is the strength on which I depend so much. Just as Sophie depends on me for comfort and safety, I depend on Him. I rely on my father God to rejuvenate my spirit and re-energize my step. I pray that for all that need that today.

I am ending my day tired, but peaceful. Our pastor asked us tonight if we were ready for what is to come. Those reading this will know exactly what I am talking about. I can say honestly, Bring it on! I am ready for any work for the glory of He who sustains me. I have not lived through all of the darkness to give up in the light. I am ready for all that is to come because I know where my strength comes from.

Getting Older and better

I finished my school shopping today and realized that this last year has been a blur. I was watching my youngest daughter (and youngest child for that matter) try on sneakers. I caught myself thinking about how much of a big girl she is now.  Then in a wave I was reminded that she is not my first. She is eleven and has three older siblings. What a strange year this has been. Our oldest daughter moved out, then moved back in under stressful circumstances, our #2 daughter graduated from high school and recieved her appointment to the USAF Academy and is now residing in Colorado. Our #3(a son) is going into 7th grade and is in desperate need of a haircut. And our youngest (the previously mentioned 11 year old) is going into 6th grade this year.

It all seems so sureal to me. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to end my life. Oh I wasn't out right with it, but I sure did enough that could have very well killed me. I never in a million years thought that I would live this long. The power of God's grace and mercy......I am thankful every day. I am thankful that God loved me so much to see me through even when I refused to admit that He was there. As little as 15 years ago I was convinced that I would kill myself. I was trying in my own way. I had two children then and the pain was to much for me. I gave up on myself, but He didn't.

Here I sit tonight, feeling like my life is all that I have ever wanted, and, for a long time, felt illuded me. I have everything that I have today because of God's grace. I sure did nothing to deserve this life that I have fallen into. I am happy, I am loved, I am a wife and a mother, but most importantly I am a child of God. Loved and cherished for all that I am, and all that I am not. I am blessed beyond measure. I love my life, the good and the bad; the easy and the hard. I absolutely love the fact that even when I feel alone, I know that I am not. I am understood, I am cherished.

Once upon a time I was very lost. Lost in a world of despair that I did not believe that I could ever emerge from. A sea of bad choices and sins beyond reason.  For the last 8 years or so I have been on a slow journey to let myself be found. I have walked a path that has required me to drop my self condemnation, and pick up the love of Jesus. Today I walk proudly as a child of God. Sure I trip from time to time, but the one thing that I have learned the hard way is if you let Him he is there to help you dust off and try again. I am letting Him more and more these days. When I take His hand I feel him smile.